Introduction to my Friend Nancy at Financial Seminar
IT IS WITH GREAT PLEASURE THAT I WELCOME YOU TO THE SECOND FINANCIAL SEMINAR SPONSORED BY LA JOLLA BANK AND TRUST COMPANY ON BEHALF OF THE WIDOWED TO WIDOWED PROGRAM. COULD I SEE A SHOW OF HAND OF HOW MANY PEOPLE WERE HERE FOR THE LAST SEMINAR? VERY GOOD. HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE CURRENTLY OR HAVE BEEN NANCY’S STUDENTS? DOES ANYONE BESIDES ME GET UP AT DAWN TO LISTEN TO HER TELEVISION SHOW? I SAID LISTEN RATHER THAN WATCH BECAUSE I HAVE DISCOVERED MY EYES REMAINED GLUED SHUT AT THAT UNGODLY HOUR. SOMEHOW NANCY HAS DESIGNED THIS SEMINAR TO BE INFORMATIVE TO THOSE WHO AER NEW THIS TIME YET NOT ANNOYINGLY REDUNDANT FOR THOSE WHO ARE HERE FOR THE SECOND TIME, SO I AM SURE YOU WILL ALL FIND THE DAY WORTHWHILE. MY SPECIAL VOTE OF THANKS GOES TO MR GARET CLARK AND MR BREW PERRY OF THE LA JOLLA BANK AND TRUST COMPANY. THEY NEVER GO HALF WAY ABOUT THINGS WE NOT ONLY HAVE A DELIGHTFUL LOCATION AND MOST HELPFUL FOLDERS OF TODAY’S AGENDA BUT WILL ALL BE TREATED TO A TASTY LUNCH. IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU WHAT YOU DID TODAY YOU MAY CASUALLY SAY OH I WAS TAKEN OUT TO LUNCH BY MY BANKER. SO I HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A MOST ENJOYABLE DAY. I WILL BE AROUND TO ANSWER THE BIG IMPORTANT QUESTION “WHERE IS THE BATHROOM?” NANCY AND HER OUTSTANDING GROUP OF SPEAKERS WILL HANDLE THE ONES OF A MORE TRIVIAL NATURE LIKE “WHERE DO I INVEST MY TRILLION DOLLARS?”
AT THE LAST SEMINAR I REVEALED THE RESULTS OF A SOCIOLOGICAL SURVEY ABOUT WHAT GOES ON IN NANCY SCOTT’S CLASS. SINCE THERE A SOME NEW FACES IN THE CROWD, I THINK IT IS ONLY APPROPRIATE TO ONCE AGAIN REVEAL THE DATA WHICH WAS ONLY STARTLING TO NANCY. NANCY’S CLASSES ARE MADE UP ALMOST ENTIRELY OF WOMEN AND MORE THAN HALF OF THESE WOMEN HAVE ELIGIBLE SONS WHOM THEY ARE AFRAID WILL BECOME OLD BACHELORS (A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH I THINK YOU’LL AGREE) SO THE STUDENTS IN THIS CATEGORY SPEND A FULL 70% OF THEIR CLASS TIME AND A GOODLY PORTION OF THEIR HOMEWORK TIME MENTALLY MATCH MAKING. QUITE BY CHANCE, I ENCOUNTERED ONE OF THE MOTHERS SONS. THE QUESTION WHICH HE ASKED ME SHOWED THE TRAGIC FLAW IN ALL THIS EXTRACURRICULAR SCHEMING. THERE IS A CREDABLILITY GAP. HE ASKED, “IS NANCY SCOTT REAL?” NO POTENTIAL GROOM CAN BELIEVE THAT WHAT WOULD BE A SNOW JOB ABOUT ANYONE ELSE IS THE TRUTH ABOUT NANCY. SHE IS NOT ONLY BRIGHT BUT EDUCATED (IF ONLY SHE HADN’T STUDIED IN LONDON, MOSCOW, AND PARIS). SHE IS NOT ONLY ATTRACTIVE BUT COORDINATED (IF ONLY SHE WOULD DRESS LIKE A SLOB OR FALL ALL OVER HERSELF ON THE TENNIS COURTS AND SKI SLOPES). SHE NOT ONLY HAS GOOD IDEAS BUT IS ARTICULATE (MAYBE IF SHE HAD A SPEECH DEFICIENT SOME FELLOW COULD FEEL SORRY FOR HER).
IF SHE WOULD MAKE MONEY HAND OVER FIST AND THEN BE GREEDY AND SELFISH WITH HER TIME AND ENERGY, GUYS COULD BE FORGIVING. BUT NOT, NANCY, NO SHE GENEROUSLY GIVES OF HERSELF TO MANY INDIVIDUALS ESPECIALLY WIDOWS WHO WILL NEVER REPRESENT A COMMISSION FOR HER. RECENTLY SHE HAS BEEN ASKED TO BECOME ONE OF THE FOUNDERS OF A WOMEN’S BANK. SHE HAS NOT SHIRKED BUT ENTHUSIATICALY TAKEN ON THIS RESPONSIBILITY. IF ONY NANCY WERE A CROOK, THERE MIGHT BE HOPE FOR HER. IF SHE WOULD SWINDLE WIDOWS AND ORPHANS OUT OF THEIR LIFE SAVINGS INSTEAD OF CHAMPIONING THE WIDOWED TO WIDOWED PROGRAM AS HER FAVORITE CHARITY, WE WOULD, AT LAST, HAVE A TRAGIC FLAW. BUT ALAS! THE TRAGIC FLAW IS THAT THERE IS NO FLAW. ALL THE MOTHERS SONS ARE DOOMED TO LIVE AS OLD BACHELORS. NOT ONE COULD POSSIBLY BELIEVE THE TALES HIS MOTHER BRINGS FROM SCHOOL.
PERSONALLY, I WOULD LOVE TO LISTEN TO NANCY LECTURE ALL DAY SHE KNOWS HER STUFF AND ALWAYS EXPRESSES IT WELL. UNFORTUNATELY, THIS AMOUNT OF TEACHING WOULD WEAR HER TO A FRAZZLE. FORTUNATELY, YOU CAN TELL THE CALIBER OF A PERSON BY THE FRIENDS THEY HAVE AND NANCY HAS LINED UP A SELECTION OF SPEAKERS OF THE FINEST QUALITY. I FEEL IT IS A REAL TRIBUTE TO NANCY THAT THESE MEN ARE GIVING UP THEIR PREVIOUS SATURDAY TO BE WITH US. I WANT TO THANK THEM NOT ONLY FOR THEIR SUPPORT HERE TODAY BUT ALSO FOR THEIR GENEROUS FINANCIAL CONTRIBUTIONS TO THE PROGRAM. IF YOU ELECT TO DO BUSINESS WITH ANY OF THEM, YOU CAN HAVE THE ADDED GOOD FEELING OF KNOWING THEY ARE USING SOME OF THEIR PROFITS TO BENEFIT THE WIDOWED TO WIDOWED PROGRAM.
WITHOUT FURTHER ADO I HAND THE PROGRAM OVER TO THE PERSON WITHOUT WHOM NONE OF THIS WOULD BE POSSIBLE: NANCY SCOTT.